Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
