i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
