textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
