Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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