Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
