She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
