Well douche your snatch and let's go!
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
