when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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