On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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