Screwed.edu
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
