Heybabeimwearingurpanties
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
