hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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