the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Randomize
