Define "chronic" masturbator.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
