Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
