i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
