Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Is that strawberry winking at me??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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