Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
