why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just forgot I was standing up.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
