This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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