A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
