This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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