yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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