I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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