ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She even gives head with a lisp.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
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I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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