so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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