She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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