I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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