I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
