is wine microwaveable?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwadâ€
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