Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
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I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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