He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
