Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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