were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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