Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
