I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
