so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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