I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
