The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
