Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just invented taco cereal.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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