i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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