I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
