I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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