There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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