I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
