I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
