so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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