She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Randomize
