What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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