If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize