I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
