FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
