I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
