An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
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