I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
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I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
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Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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