I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Randomize
