I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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