Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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