turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
