I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
