I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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