It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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