I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
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Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
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Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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