So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
