This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
